Horsemen drop second straight opener

The week was over before it started, it was over sometime this summer.

 

A trade done in the offseason to monetize some unkeepable players would send Sammy Watkins and Marlon Mack to the expansion Heavy Pistols – for the 2.01. The 2.01 would become Royce Freeman, a middling running back on a bad team that wasn’t starting for the Horsemen, while Sammy Watkins would become the #1 wide receiver and Marlon Mack would become the #4 running back after one week. Sammy Watkins’ 42.3 points would be the most wide receiver points scored against the Horsemen in league history (no Horsemen receiver has scored more than 38 and Le’Veon Bell’s 47 point week 16 of 2014 is the only instance of  Horsemen outscoring Sammy) – and second only to a 44 point week by Matt Stafford from 2015 for most points of all time. Marlon Mack, meanwhile, would have the 16th most RB points scored against – totaling 25.4.

The Horsemen would have few memorable performances in this one. Their 103.3 points would be their fewest since the addition of 1/2PPR and least since week 11 of 2017 (when they suffered their worst loss in franchise history). Robby Anderson’s spot start in place of Antonio Brown was a huge fail and the great Baker Mayfield hype came up fairly short – with him coming in as the 28th best quarterback for the week.

Remember that time Ted (and others) said not to trade with the Electric Horsemen? That trade turned an expansion team into an immediate contender. The 160.5 points scored by the Pistols was the most against any Horseman team, the 3rd most by any team in opening week, and the 13th most scored by any team… ever. It would also be the 3rd worst loss in Electric Horsemen franchise history.

A grim start to the season, for sure – but just a speedbump.

 

There aren’t any fewer question marks in week 2 for the Horsemen than there were in week 1.

Baker Mayfield was a complete trash dump and, with few options available because this league heavily rosters quarterbacks, he will remain the starter for week 2 against the Jets. Antonio Brown, while freed from the Raiders and on the Patriots’ roster, now faces sexual assault allegations which could hinder his availability – at least the nature of the lawsuit doesn’t currently lend to jail time. Le’Veon Bell, one of the bright spots from week 1, has a sore shoulder and has been held out of practice – he has a Monday night game. Robby Anderson likely isn’t worth a look at another spot start now that his quarterback has mono and is out indefinitely. The reserves from the Broncos (Sutton & Freeman) face a pretty awful matchup against the Bears.

But hey, at least we know Todd Gurley is good for 60% of the Rams carries?

Closet Hillbilly, an old Inner Loop foe, also looks to avoid an 0-2 start. If they can’t get past the beleaguered Electric Horsemen they would face their first 0-2 start since 2013.  There’s something to be said for 0-2 starts, though – the Hillbilly finished 7-6 and made it to the championship game where they were destroyed by 3rd and Unpredictable.

While the Horsemen are struggling with health and legal problems, Closet Hillbilly has a variety of difficult matchups. James Conner and the Steelers looked awful last week and face an alright Seattle defense, David Johnson and his new spread offense get a stout Ravens defense and Davante Adams (who was terrible against a good Chicago defense) now lines up across from the Vikings. Those Vikings only threw the ball 10 times last week – this change in coaching philosophy may not benefit Adam Thielen… and who know if old man, Greg Olsen, is even going to play.

Both of these teams seem like shells of their former selves to start the year, and this one looks like a complete toss up. Prior to kicker add (a wise page out of Legs With Holes’ playbook), the Horsemen are 6.5 point favorites with a 56.5% chance of victory on ESPN. Fantasypros leans slightly more toward the Horsemen, with 56.9% chance of victory.

There were a lot of surprises in week 1, with picks going 2-3. Legs With Holes resumes their quest for 0-13 while Straight Laced has overcome their offseason mistakes and look like what could be a true playoff team. The Heavy Pistols were the biggest % gainers, up 26% in playoff likelihood – followed closely by the Laces at +22%. Legs With Holes fell 22% with their Dumpy North buddies, the Berries, down 11%.

• Bumpy’s Berries @ Straight Laced – The Laces hit paydirt with Austin Ekeler thanks to the Nosebleeds being out of touch with what’s going on in football and look ready to smash the berries. The Berries have very little going for them right now. It’s going to be a long year.
• Drunken Aces @ Legs With Holes – Another year, another quest for 0-13. Legs will chase points like they do every year, and they’ll probably end up with a few goose eggs. The Aces aren’t exactly in a good spot here, as Rodgers will likely struggle here… but there’s no way to pick Legs With Holes… ever.
• Strictly Southern @ Heavy Pistols – The Heavy Pistols are a team of destiny. With a win this week, they will have defeated the last 4 champions in the first 2 weeks… a miraculous feat.
• 3rd and Unpredictable @ Nosebleeds – The Nosebleeds got lucky last week and got a Legs With Holes team that cared so much about winning they didn’t start a kicker. Sure, a kicker wouldn’t have made a difference, but it’s probably worth a shot? Unpredictable looks pretty unbeatable without an injury, so beating one of the worst teams in the league should be a gimme… unless Tom Brady can smash 50 points.
• Pork Shanks @ Dangerous Angels – There is mostly nobody good on Pork Shanks.