Horsemen return to action after offseason of depression

The offseason started early for the Horsemen.

In 2018, for the first time in 5 years, they were not a participant in the championship game.

The lopsided nature of the league (four 4-9 teams) would allow an underachieving 3rd and Unpredictable to slip into the playoffs with a 7-6 record and because of a points scored tiebreak they would lay claim to the 5th seed. This would set up a match with the Extreme Baby Throwers in the final year of the franchise before selling the team… even the Horsemen were cheering for 3rd and Unpredictable from their couch on the bye week. A defector could not be allowed to compete for a championship.

Dalvin Cook took what looked like an illegal forward pass from Kirk Cousins for a touchdown in the waning moments of the game… the call stood… Unpredictable emerged victorious. Because the 6 seed, Nosebleeds, had been defeated by #3 Closet Hillbilly – this would set up a semifinal between the Electric Horsemen and 3rd and Unpredictable. This would have been a gimme against any other team in the playoffs despite a no-show by Cam Newton and Leonard Fournette getting benched. It was not to be – the Deshaun Watson to DeAndre Hopkins stack was insurmountable. The firepower was on the bench with fantastic performances by Marlon Mack, Damien Williams and (relatively fantastic) Kirk Cousins – but the optimal lineup was not starting.

Strictly Southern, appearing in their second championship in as many years, would then topple Unpredictable in the closest championship game in years and lay claim to the Waylon Hepburn trophy in a finale the Horsemen would have won by 30.

And so we come to opening week of 2019.

The Horsemen enter the season atop the coaches poll once again, but a sense of parity seems to be taking hold. The top 4 teams are more or less in a deadlock for the first time in years, while an emergent Heavy Pistols looks primed to break into the playoffs in only their second year after a couple years of high draft picks and a pretty decent haul in the trade market.

This emergent expansion team will start the year with a serious test that could shake up the league – the Electric Horsemen.

On the Electric side of the ball, there are a few question marks.

One in particular is returning to the team after an entire year off – Le’Veon Bell will finally have his opportunity to surpass Matt Forte in total points scored while also breaking into the top 5 Electric Horsemen of all time… but how his production will differ on the Jets is a big question mark. His 16.6 PPG might have been nice to have in the playoffs last year, but they still led the league in scoring and had the most points in regular season history.

Antonio Brown is donning a new helmet and uniform in 2019. How will he gel with a new quarterback? How will his peripheral vision suffer with his new helmet? Michael Thomas became a stud in his year away from the Horsemen, but in his 9 starts with them in 2017 he averaged only 9 PPG. Which player will he be in 2019? Is Baker Mayfield going to destroy the league in his first full year as a starter? Will Odell prove to be a difference maker? IS TODD GURLEY‘S KNEE OKAY?

The Horsemen are favored by only 10 points with a 53.8% chance of victory on ESPN and 69.7% on FantasyPros. The last time they saw a line of 10 or less was in their semifinal loss to 3rd and Unpredictable.

• Strictly Southern @ 3rd and Unpredictable – Leading up to this rematch of the championship game, Unpredictable seemed to be gaining a significant edge. After Zeke ended his holdout, it’s hard to say whether that helped or hurt – as the Cowboys are rumored to only run him out there in 20-25 snaps due to only practicing 3 times with the team this year. It’s really exciting that 3rd and Unpredictable has a bad enough bench to roster 3 quarterbacks, but their depth isn’t of consequence in this one as they knock off the defending champion.
• Dangerous Angels @ Drunken Aces – As bad as the Drunken Aces are, the Dangerous Angels just seem worse. In the long run, they may emerge. But long run is a few years away. The Aces are pretty meh all around, but edge out the Angels in a tight one.
• Legs With Holes @ Nosebleeds – What an offseason for the Nosebleeds. With an already embarrassing 2019 keeper class, Andrew Luck was so concerned about the roster around him that he retired. Melvin Gordon, with similar concerns remains in the midst of a hold out… while the Eagles are quietly shopping Jordan Howard – who no one likely wants. Legs With Holes may beat the Nosebleeds without a defense or kicker – and they might be able to bench their worthless receivers, too. The Nosebleeds start their path to the first winless season against the team that has been everyone’s favorite to win that title the past several years.
• Straight Laced @ Closet Hillbilly – The Laces roll out their reacquired Leonard Fournette and newly acquired Stefon Diggs in this one. I just wonder how much they regret not accepting a deal to get Michael Thomas back and send Diggs packing to the Horsemen again. The problem is Diggs is already nursing a hamstring injury and he’s been borderline awful in games where he’s been on the injury report. Hillbilly boasts the receiver most likely to benefit from his disability, and that’s enough to get them over the hump for me.
• Bumpy’s Berries @ Pork Shanks – The Berries haven’t seen much success since making it to the championship a few years back (and losing to the Horsemen) and this roster doesn’t lend itself to more than possibly a fringe playoff team. Can the Shanks continue the (lack of) success of their predecessor the Extreme Baby Throwers? Yeah, and it starts with a week 1 loss.