Horsemen follow up worst franchise performance with greatest routing in league history

On the heels of the worst performance in team history with 62 points (46th worst in league history out of 870 games) the Horsemen knew it was no longer appropriate to sit and coast into the playoffs. The loss was to, arguably, a moderately formidable opponent… albeit an opponent who had never made the playoffs and was generally the laughingstock of the league year after year. Things change and now Straight Laced is the 5th highest scoring team in the league… out of 10 teams.

Wait a second. None of this was okay. Something needs to change. Someone needs to be punished.

Who better to suffer the fury of the Horsemen than the worst trade offerer in league history (by unanimous vote)? Let’s not get it twisted, though – this game did not matter. Regardless of the lack of playoff implications… there was that fury… that terrible loss… that heartache of embarrassment. The worst loss in team history. The least points in team history. Motivational signs were all over the locker room. They all basically said, “You suck.”

The Horsemen DO NOT SUCK.

The Horses came out with a fire in their eyes only seen by the horse outside the Denver airport.

But let’s stop there. This game wasn’t worth a preview because Closet Hillbilly is such a garbage franchise. It doesn’t really deserve a recap, either. Long story short, they got smoked worse than any team has ever been smoked (125) and the Horsemen beat the previous record set by the Horsemen for most points in a game (183) back in 2015 by EIGHT (191)!

Through 12 weeks, the Horsemen have only averaged less than 97 once. Through 12 weeks, Closet Hillbilly has only averaged more than 97 points once. This is poor trade offering karma and I hope it continues. YOU SUCK, CLOSET HILLBILLY.

Another tidbit of information. The Horsemen have only scored less than Legs With Holes’ average output (67.3) in the 2017 season 3 times… ever… in a game. Maybe irrelevant, but man… if we’re talking about awful franchises, that one needs to be mentioned.

The week we’ve all been waiting for is upon us – the storied Battle of TC Jester. If you’re not familiar with said story… the picture below is the first time anyone has seen the Nosebleeds side of the trophy since it was exchanged during the 2013 season. That’s why there’s so much dust.

2012. It was the first year of the Cosmopolitan Outlaw League.  We were so much younger then.

Since then the Horsemen have won the 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 JW Memorial Trophies. To be fair, it’s one trophy… they’ve just won it every time.

They’ve played a total of 13 times (9-4 in favor of Horses) and the Horsemen have scored 167 more points than the Bleeds. That seems like a lot…. but its only an average margin of victory of 12.85 in favor of the defending champions. But more miraculous than anything else in that last line of text is this… the Horsemen have a 69% winning percentage in the series. That’s special.

The Nosebleeds are stuck in the past. They’re too slow to adapt to poorly performing players and stick with has-beens instead of moving on. Matt Ryan (a clear overdrafted regression case), Mike Evans, Adrian Peterson, James White (he’s been on his roster since the draft), Jameis Winston, the DENVER BRONCOS DEFENSE (drafted 4.08, immediately before Derrick Henry, Kareem Hunt & Zach Ertz) … Just move on. They aren’t helping the franchise and the franchise need some help. Said franchise, which formerly boasted of leading the league in regular season wins (despite having no championships and an 0-1 record in the championship game) is now sitting at 5-7 and firmly outside the playoffs… just sitting around… adding bad players… not dropping bad players… waiting for this week…

The Nosebleeds crushed dreams for the Horsemen in 2012 and 2013, stomping out their playoff hopes. The Horsemen have knocked the ‘bleeds out of the playoffs in consecutive years now. And while this game has no playoff implications… the Horsemen will play this game like it does… and send the Nosebleeds reeling deep into bar tab territory.

With a 14 point win the Nosebleeds will claim the JW Memorial Trophy, as there is no chance they would meet for a 3rd time in the playoffs.

The Horsemen are a 12.5 point favorite and hold a 73.4% chance of victory. They are also 100% drunk at the publication of this article.

Before I go on, let’s remember that I am not a mathematician – I just use excel a lot.

I think…

• Logan can make the playoffs if he wins and 3rd and Unpredictable and Straight Laced lose this week.
• I’m giving up after that.

Picks are now 24-24 after a 2-2 week.

• Extreme Baby Throwers will predictably beat Closet Hillbilly as a continuation of the bad trade karma… and 4-9 is officially bad.
• Unfortunately, 3rd and Unpredictable will throttle Legs With Holes – the worst team in the history of teams. We all really wanted XBT to find a way into the playoffs.
• Drunken Aces will defeat Straight Laced. I said it here first.
• Bumpy’s Berries will somehow clinch the Outer Loop by crushing Strictly Southern.