Undefeated season lost in Swamp of Sadness

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. It was supposed to be a walk in the park.

But it all fell apart and the Horsemen went stumbling into the Swamp of Sadness.

After an epic three touchdown 32 point Thursday night performance by Todd Gurley in his 3rd appearance as a Horseman things were looking good. ESPN had increased the odds of victory to 97.1%. The Horsemen were smug, overconfident.

It turned out they needed a couple more Gurley touchdowns.

The 8:30 AM game was unfortunate. The Ravens (the #1 ranked defense for the week by most sources) would get slaughtered by a generally sloppy Jaguars offense – earning the single worst performance by any player in Horsemen history. The Ravens offense, too, would struggle. Justin Tucker would be given no field goal opportunities due to Joe Flacco’s incompetence. They would leave the game with a 79.3% chance of victory.

By halftime of the noon games the odds of victory had risen to 83.9% – it still looked good, it was more than manageable. But a costly blunder by offensive coordinator, Old Man Turtle, would be the second misstep. He would select Lamar Miller to run the flex over Michael Thomas – a move that was quickly exposed as wrong when Michael Thomas scored a quick touchdown. The noon games were winding down… things were still looking good. Then Davante Parker would score a garbage time touchdown at the horn, sending odds down to 54.5%.

The 3 PM games are where things really went sideways. After poor first halves from both Aaron Rodgers and DeMarco Murray, the Horsemen were again getting comfortable. Until Murray somehow limped 75 yards for a touchdown… and Rodgers rained down second half touchdowns.

The dream was over. The Horsemen would fall to 2-1, losing to one of the two winless teams in the Cosmopolitan Outlaw League. A team averaging 59.5 PPG in the first two weeks (the least in the history of the league) would put up 106 for the victory.

Old Man Turtle’s personnel decision-making responsibilities have been suspended indefinitely.

Instead of seeking to tie their best start in franchise history and extend their lead over the rest of the league, the Horsemen find themselves the challenger. An unlikely leader emerged in the standings, a leader that has owned last place the last two years now owns first. The last time Extreme Baby Throwers went the first three games of the season averaging 104 or more points they won the championship. They also went 3-0 that year… the year was 2012.

The all-time series has remained relatively even despite the overwhelming success of the Horsemen in the last 3 years. After a 4 game winning streak including the highest scoring single game performance, the Extreme Baby Throwers overcame the Horsemen in week 12 of 2016 – before the horses would ride through the playoffs for their second straight championship. The series record now sits at 6-4-1 in favor of the Horsemen through eleven contests with an average score of 109 – 92, the largest average margin of victory versus any opponent.

The Baby Throwers have been gifted the least points through 3 games since Straight Laced opponents averaged 61.7 – the Throwers have faced only 68.7 PPG, with the first two weeks requiring less than 60 points for a victory. This week should prove somewhat more challenging.

The Horsemen think they found a gem on the wire last night with Dak Prescott, whose floor is noticeably higher than Ben Roethlisberger’s – especially in away games.

Both teams are introducing new defenses, with the Horsemen bringing in the Jaguars (drafted this year by the Baby Throwers) and the Throwers looking to the Bengals to continue improving.

This week will also see the debut of prized first round rookie running back and known woman abuser, Joe Mixon, as Frank Gore has seemingly been relegated to the bench after 2 straight quality starts and a character level too high for the franchise.

In what is sure to be the game of the week, the Horsemen have a 69.4% chance of victory and are 10.3 point favorites. Time will tell if, unlike week 3, they can live up to their lofty expectations.

Last week’s picks went 3-1, which is a record for this year. Overall now sits at 5-7.

This week…

• In a battle between what is likely the two worst teams in the league, the Drunken Aces (the 10th lowest scoring team of all time) overcome the lowest scoring team of all time, Closet Hillbilly, because the latter still hasn’t picked up a viable quarterback.
• Legs With Holes, the 4th lowest scoring team of all time, will remain a laughingstock with a trouncing to the hands of 3rd and Unpredictable, the 8th lowest scoring team of all time.
• Bumpy’s Berries roll along and take down what should have been a winless Strictly Southern, the 6th lowest scoring team of all time.
• Nosebleeds get back on track and oust the 5th lowest scoring team of all time, Straight Laced.
  

  *6 of the 10 lowest scoring teams of all time through 3 weeks are from 2017