Nosebleeds bleed out, Horsemen advance to 3rd consecutive title game

The Nosebleeds were silenced once again in what would be the third worst loss in the first round in league history. That makes consecutive years of championship hopes being dashed in the first round for the ‘bleeds by their bitter rivals, the Electric Horsemen. After three weeks of loafing around and positioning themselves for exactly this moment, the Horsemen came out rested for the 2nd most points in first round history.

The Nosebleeds had been barreling through opponents with big games from all their studs – but at what point does full exertion begin to play a toll on the body? The answer, week 14. Sloppy Luck play and Jordan Howard not playing against the 49ers were also factors in the defeat, but one of the biggest plays of the game was a gutsy move by Philip Rivers.

“Gutsy move by Philip Rivers?” you ask. “Didn’t he have another awful game?” you inquire. Say what you will about the interceptions and lost fumbles, but one of those fumbles completely flipped the momentum in favor of the Horsemen. Rivers looked over and saw Melvin in prime position to recover a fumble and hurt himself if he could just find a way to fumble it that direction. He enticed the defense to hit him at just the right angle and out popped the ball – Melvin took the bait, hit the ground, hurt his hip, and was sent off on a cart. Some of the finest QB play of the season.

Another performance that nearly outshined Rivers as MVP of the game was that of Le’Veon Bell. In only his 16th start as a Horseman due to injuries and suspensions, Bell put up the highest point total in team history (47) and catapulted himself to #7 in the all-time team scoring ranks. With each touchdown that rained down
upon the Nosebleeds from Bell, more and more sadness poured down from the Nosebleeds. So much sadness, in fact, that the owner of the Horsemen slipped on a pool of tears at the bar and hit the ground hard. The pain was worth it.

Even without a heroic performance by Bell, all would have been well. Had he been subbed out for depth running backs LeGarrette Blount, Kenneth Dixon or Bilal Powell – the outcome would have been the same, if not a little less embarrassing.

But really, with the Nosebleeds struggles against the Horsemen, did anyone think they would win the season series this year? With the victory the JW Memorial Trophy for the champion of The Battle of TC Jester will remain with the Electric Horsemen for the fourth consecutive year.

Next on the agenda, the championship game against Legs With Holes.

Miraculously, Legs’ return to the playoffs for the first time since 2012 was with the second least points in franchise history. They are also the 3rd lowest scoring team to make the playoffs – surpassed only by the Nosebleeds of 2013 and 2015 – scoring only 92.15 PF/G. There have also only been 3 teams in history to make the playoffs with a deficit in points scored – this team is one of them, losing by an average of 6 points/week.

A 73 point performance in the first round against a ‘blah’ Closet Hillbilly squad who managed to score 69 didn’t exactly ramp up their scoring average. They now average the least points through 14 games of ANY playoff team EVER – and the 13th worst of ANY team EVER (50 team sample size) – with 90.79 PF/G. To put that into perspective, no team has ever won the championship with an average through 14 weeks of less than 99.75 and no team has ever even made it to the championship with a deficit at points scored.

The Horsemen have a poor record against Legs With Holes, but their week 10 encounter may have turned the tide of this series. A 1-4 record doesn’t spell dominance, but their 2016 victory flipped the deficit in favor of the Horsemen… a 78 point victory will do that.

Year	Week	Wes Score	Ted Score	W/L	H/A	Margin
2012	6	72	80	L	A	-8
2013	6	85	107	L	A	-22
2014	6	106	110	L	A	-4
2015	12	83	116	L	H	-33
2016	10	148	70	W	A	78

Legs With Holes looks to benefit from the return of Michael Thomas and A.J. Green this week, but still look to be mulling over their options at defense. They brought Nick Novak onto the team in waivers in favor of Janikowski, chasing his huge game last week against the Colts. One of the staples of the Electric Horsemen offense – the only player remaining from the inaugural 2012 draft, Julio Jones – remains questionable after missing the semifinals with turf toe.

This is why we play the games. The Horsemen were similarly favored in their matchup against the Extreme Baby Throwers in week 11 – and were thoroughly embarrassed.

The other intriguing matchup of the week is for the coveted last place Asshammer trophy in the Asshammer Bowl. Straight Laced and Strictly Southern are fittingly the combatants in this year’s matchup. Why is this fitting? Both of their owners are named Daniel, both of their team names start with S, and they are the only two teams to have never made the playoffs. This is a cruel turn for Strictly Southern who was still in the running for a playoff position in week 13.