Horsemen sleepwalk through hillbilly, prepare for real trailer trash

Bust.

The word is as accurate when talking about a statue depicting a human’s head and upper body as it is when talking about Closet Hillbilly.

The preseason #3 team in the Cosmopolitan Outlaw League has been far more embarrassing than their record would show. Their keepers are busts, their draft was a bust, their season will end a bust.

Cam Newton, Ameer Abdullah, Jonathan Stewart, Terrelle Pryor, Jordan Reed, David Johnson… all laughable… all busts.

If there was ever a game that didn’t even need to be written about, it was probably this one. It started with Cam stumbling into 22 points while Stewart stumbled into negative four yards. That’s pretty much where it ended. Now Closet Hillbilly begins their slide into obscurity with the 4th least points in history through 6 games. A mere 3.3 PPG better than Drunken Aces.

On a side note, Le’Veon Bell took over as the #6 scoring player in Horseman history with his 24 point performance – passing up Lamar Miller. He is now 48 points behind Alfred Morris for #5. Alfred currently leads the team in running back starts at 41… 18 more than Bell.

The #Dadpack Rivalry has been a sad one. With the recent turnaround against Legs With Holes and Straight Laced, the series against 3rd and Unpredictable is tied for the poorest winning percentage for the Horsemen against a COL opponent – 33% (2-4-1). Week seven is also as historically toxic as any week in the season for the Horsemen with opponents averaging 108.8 PPG, the worst of all weeks, and the Horsemen coming out with only one victory in the five years of the league.

The last time the Horsemen beat 3rd and Unpredictable in the regular season was week 5 of 2012. That was over 5 years ago.

Unpredictable isn’t the same team it was in the early years of the league. After quite possibly the greatest season of all time, they performed the greatest dismantling of a champion job of all time – completely destroying their team. After a 4th place finish in 2014, they have since failed to make the playoffs – finishing 9th and 6th in the last two years.

This doesn’t look like the year they’ll turn it around. Averaging 79.7 PPG, Unpredictable is worse than all but one of the 13 teams to go 2-4 before them, and the 6th lowest scoring team of all time (when you include this years’ Legs With Holes, Drunken Aces and Closet Hillbilly). Three of those thirteen teams have made the playoffs, so all hope is not lost… but no 2-5 team ever has. So a loss here would effectively kill all hope.

The Horsemen come into week 7 leading the league in scoring for, surprisingly, the first time in franchise history. Despite what has been one of the lowest scoring seasons for the Cosmopolitan Outlaw League, the Horsemen are averaging 105.2 – nearly 10 points more than the next closest competitor and 9th of all time.

It appears after early practices that Matt Bryant will get a shot at the kicking job this week after Justin Tucker has struggled to find opportunities behind a terrible Ravens offense. But really, the Horsemen only added him in the early hours of Wednesday morning so that Unpredictable would have to add Dan Bailey.

The 3rd and Unpredictable locker room has been an RV that smells like a portapotty for the last 3 weeks. Imagine what that does to a man’s motivation.

Travis Kelce leads an otherwise nondescript lineup for Unpredictable into slaughter.

The last time the Horsemen were underdogs was week 7 of 2016 against 3rd and Unpredictable. That remains the last time, as the Horsemen are 15.7 point favorites with an 82.7% chance of victory.

Another 2-2 week brings the season tally to 10-14.

This week…

• Extreme Baby Throwers continue to be exposed as a fraud with a loss to Straight Laced, who might actually be the real deal.
• Legs With Holes plays another awful team in Closet Hillbilly – and loses to another awful team.
• In a tight battle, Bumpy’s Berries edge out the resurgent Nosebleeds – thwarting their push to get back into the playoffs.
• Ted is pretty much the only thing stopping the Drunken Aces from being the worst team ever. Strictly Southern rolls them and begins a legitimate challenge for a playoff spot.