Horsemen march unchallenged to 4th victory

The cries of joy from the owner of the Electric Horsemen rang loud across the bar at Red Lobster. “CHRIS HOGAN! TOUCHDOWN!”

In his bye week fill in debut, Hogan would come in clutch on Thursday Night Football, putting Strictly Southern at an early deficit.

The truest joy of the weekend came at another bar, Christian’s Tailgate Downtown. Dak Prescott continued his emergence as the new franchise quarterback of the Horsemen – tossing 3 TDs and running for another. Keeping his eyes on the prize, he did a fairly good job at avoiding Ezekiel Elliott and Dez Bryant, targeting the unrostered Cole Beasley.

Oh, and Russell Wilson has been holding Strictly Southern out of the playoffs for years – perhaps it’s time to move on.

The rest of the joy of the weekend was mostly missed, as ownership was a case deep in Miller Lite at the parking lot of NRG stadium.

It was probably a really good win, though. And the Horsemen maintain the lead in the division at 4-1 – while watching their competition crumble.

Coming off the heels of a week in which they likely made insulting offers to every team in the league, the Closet Hillbilly remains just as stocked with garbage as they were before after acquiring Amari Cooper (garbage) for Latavius Murray (garbage) and a 3rd rounder from, quite possibly, the worst person at making trades ever – Legs With Holes. This after robbing him of A.J. Green in the offseason for a trade that would become Tyreek Hill and Hunter Henry.

The resurgence of Cam Newton has led them to an alarming 3-2 record, despite being the third lowest scoring team in the league – and the 4th lowest scoring team of all time. Probably worth mentioning, though, is the fact that all three of Closet Hillbilly’s wins came against teams that are currently 1-4. And they beat one of them twice.

Of the 25 teams in history to have a winning record through 5 weeks, they are literally the worst. Consistently.

Perhaps it’s skill that they always tend to have the least points scored against them. From 2012 to 2016, regular season opponents of the Hillbilly averaged a mere 93.09 PPG – less than all others. In fact, there has only been one season where more than 100 points were scored against them – and every season the average was over 92, they missed the playoffs. The average team prior to 2017 averaged 95.6 PPG in the regular season.

These averages are, of course, skewed by the Electric Horsemen who averaged 101.1 through 2016 and are sitting on 104 this year.

Week 6, however, tends to be a negative turning point in the season. The Horsemen are 1-4 in week sixes, losing by an average of 10 points and scoring only 92.0 points – their 2nd worst scoring week of the season. And while 4-1 is tied for the worst start in team history, they only got to 5-1  a single time – in the 2016 back to back championship campaign. They’ve also strangely struggled with the Hillbilly, going 4-5 in the history of the series and scoring merely 90.56 PPG (their lowest against any opponent). Just like their previous franchise quarterback, they always tended to play down to poor opponents.

The last and only time Closet Hillbilly scored more than 100 points in the history of the series was week 9 of 2014.

Ben Roethlisberger is no longer the quarterback of the Electric Horsemen.

Despite the new leader of the franchise, Dak Prescott, being on bye – the Horsemen brought in a grizzled veteran, Carson Palmer, to hold down the fort in his absence. His solid floor is intended to prevent a blowup like that of week 3, when Roethlisberger let down the Horsemen – which led to his eventual week 6 release from the organization.

He will be playing alongside a loaded supporting cast including two of the top six running backs, a top 5 receiver, and two receivers only distanced from the front of the pack because they just came off early bye weeks. Lamar Miller waits in the wings in the event of any practice concerns of the starting lineup.

Aside from an incredibly below average starting lineup, Closet Hillbilly is loaded with bench talent. Guys like Chris Ivory, Wendell Smallwood, and Corey Clement.

The Horsemen are favored by 20.5 points with a 73.7% chance of victory. This is the largest spread since week 1 against Legs With Holes.

Last week’s picks went 2-2, bringing the record to 8-12.

This week…

• In the game of the week between 1-4 teams, the Drunken Aces will hand Legs With Holes another loss closer to the worst start of all time. Note that the Drunken Aces went 1-8 in 2013 – this is the first time Legs has not gotten a 2nd win by week 5.
• The 1-4 Nosebleeds will avenge their week 3 loss to the 4-1 Extreme Baby Throwers – and score more than 100 points for the first time this season.
• Bumpy’s Berries take their rightful spot at the top of the Outer Loop, taking down Straight Laced with ease.
• With both teams on the brink of a winning season, Strictly Southern will be helpless with his Cowboys on bye  – losing to 3rd and Unpredictable.