Horsemen blast Nosebleeds in first installment of final BOTCJ series

The Nosebleeds just don’t have the stuff when it comes to the Battle of TC Jester.

This week’s victory ties the longest winning streak in the series at 4 games – separating the prior 4 game streak by only a single loss. For the non-mathematicians out there, that’s 8 out of the last 9 games… which comes to 88.9%. Of course, the all-time record isn’t quite as lopsided.  The only team the Horsemen perform better against are the Berries, but their 11-4 record over the last 7 years seems pretty impressive – especially considering once upon a time there was money on the line. As we all know by now, despite the Horsemen losing a couple keepers (and starters) for the week, the Nosebleeds would refuse to renew the Battle of TC Jester with any compensation award other than simply a trophy exchange.

A once great rivalry now nothing but a yard art statue of a pig.

There were questionable moments in the early games with Melvin Gordon rocking the end zone several times, but Todd Gurley would shadow him step by step – dropping in three of his own. Once Gronkowski failed to muster more than 3 points against the Jaguars it was more or less a done deal.

But what was the true undoing of the Nosebleeds?

The Nosebleeds.

As predicted, they would be unable to manage their three-headed quarterback approach – and started by far the worst option. While Andrew Luck would toil away on the field like he just got back from shoulder surgery (scoring only 15.4), Matt Ryan would score 34.7 – a total that would still be shy of victory. Ben Roethlisberger, though… projected as a top 3 QB by most sites, and an obvious play to hedge Antonio Brown, and a player that most everyone assumed would be a last second substitution… would score 45. Enough for a spectacular revenge game and a win against the Electric Horsemen.

But the Nosebleeds would again beat the Nosebleeds.

The Heavy Pistols are, without doubt, the worst of the two new franchises in the Cosmopolitan Outlaw League. They are also the sole challenger to Legs With Holes as the absolute worst team in the league. Their expansion draft was atrocious and their preseason roster management was extremely questionable and now we come to week 3 and they are sitting comfortably at 0-2. The big showdown with Legs With Holes, and their first chance at a win, is in 3 weeks – after that the road ahead looks dark. The early failings of Bumpy’s Berries and an overrated Drunken Aces team may give them hope to sneak one or two more wins out (and FantasyPros suggest they will win 5), but a 3 win season may be the best case scenario for this laughingstock.

Appropriately, Jarvis Landry starts the week off for the Pistols. He was their first pick in the expansion draft – an expansion draft marred with the inability to recognize value and a propensity to reach for players that could have been gotten in the depths of the full 2018 draft. Jarvis came into the day questionable but, likely because of his rant about injuries being contagious and calling out all of the guys in the wide receiver room, would have no choice but to be full go for Thursday night. The only other true threats on the roster are Saquon Barkley – the first overall pick in the 2018 COL draft – and DeSean Jackson, a surprise draft pick in the 6 player expansion draft that called for mockery. DeSean has since exploded with Fitzpatrick at the helm and comes into week 3 as the WR3. It was still a terrible pick, though.

The injury troubles of the Horsemen are yet to pass and there is still no confirmation that Leonard Fournette will play his first full game in a Horsemen jersey but with limited participation in practice this week they are hopefully his potential will finally be realized (but the Horsemen would probably rather have the player they traded away to get him who is now the WR1, Michael Thomas). Julio Jones, the mainstay of the franchise, also sat out during practice this week with calf tightness that he suffered in last week’s game. His history of lower body ailments is no secret, and the team expects that he will be active for game time.

The Electric Horsemen, in their first all time battle against the Heavy Pistols, are favored by 30.6 points. This is their largest point spread since week 1 of 2017 (41) against Legs With Holes and the 3rd most in recorded history. Before kick, they also have an 83.6% chance of victory.

Last week’s picks went an amazing 4-1 for a 6-4 year total through 2 weeks of action.

This week’s will likely be even better.

• Bumpy’s Berries @ Extreme Baby Throwers – The Berries have gone downhill fast and are this week’s greatest drop in playoff odds by 23% to 34%. Doug Baldwin barely made it into the regular season and Devonta Freeman might have made it a quarter longer. They have persevered through injury problems to make it to the championship before, namely in 2015 when they were crushed by the Horsemen. The Baby Throwers, as predicted, got ahead of themselves last week – but most of their team at least looks like they should be starters. It pains me to admit that the Berries will lose to a team that dropped Josh Gordon a week ago Saturday just so he could be claimed for 83% of Ted’s free agent acquisition budget – and so he could go on to roster three kickers.
• Straight Laced @ Nosebleeds – Fitzpatrick just needs one more massive game to pull off the unthinkable, and that’s Straight Laced going 2-1 with a victory over the Nosebleeds. The Nosebleeds, who are still rostering 3 quarterbacks, will continue to choose the wrong one but it won’t matter. Despite getting gifted a starting running back at the most opportune of times (with the Joe Mixon injury) the Laces (this week’s largest climber in playoff percentage from 27% to 44%) unfortunately won’t have the firepower to topple the Meh Nosebleeds.
• Closet Hillbilly @ Legs With Holes – Had they not gotten multiple handcuffs the one year multiple handcuffs actually worked out early in the season, the Hillbilly would be a dead man walking in 2018. Their pick up of James Conner in free agency late in July and their drafting of Matt Breida in support of their summer acquisition of Jerick McKinnon have been instrumental in keeping them out of last place. They’ll squeak past a Legs team that is scoring more points than many expected.
• Strictly Southern @ 3rd and Unpredictable – This game is the obvious game of the week. Two of the preseason favorites meet, one behind a QB far exceeding expectations with the unbelievable Mahomes  and the other led by a questionable rookie phenom in Deshaun Watson. While Mahomes may not come back to earth this week, he won’t have enough juice to overcome the superior overall roster of Unpredictable.
• Drunken Aces @ Dangerous Angels – For the first time ever an expansion team is a favorite. They, similar to the Hillbilly, have benefited from some starting running back injuries which have thrust their handcuff draft picks to the forefront. The Aces are atrocious and won’t have an answer. Amazingly, an expansion team will emerge 2-1 after 3 weeks.